Diffidence

             FRIEND
So, why are you in such a mood?
          
               ME
What's that supposed to mean?
          
               FRIEND
Don't be coy; you know exactly what I'm 
talking about.
         
               ME
And what's that, pray tell.

               FRIEND
You've been in a stinky mood for a couple 
of days now, you've been leaving oddly 
abrupt messages for Beauty, and you dropped 
off that CD at 6:30 this morning, before she
and her family were even awake.

                ME
So, what's wrong with dropping of the CD? 
She asked for it. I obliged. And promptly too.

                FRIEND
Yeah, it in't what you did, it's what you 
didn't do.

                ME
Like what?

                FRIEND
Like asking her to call you. Like waiting until 
she was awake, so you could drop be and see 
her...like using the CD as bait so she might even
come to see you.

                 ME
Everything you just mentioned seems 
manipulative and selfish...

                 FRIEND
And much more like you than any of the 
things you've done over the last day or so.

                 ME
Thanks.

                 FRIEND
No, I'm serious. A week ago, you would have 
used any excuse to call Beauty, to talk to her, 
to get together with her. Now, you act like you're 
Federal Express.

                 ME
What the hell was I supposed to do? She 
phoned and asked for a copy.

                 FRIEND
So you had to run out the same day, pick it up, 
and deliver it the next morning before anyone 
could catch you? 

                  ME
I thought it would be nice...

                  FRIEND
That's bullshit. You thought nothing of the kind.
You're busy paring down your interactions with 
Beauty.

                  ME
What do you mean by that?

                  FRIEND
I mean that you've excised all intimacy from 
your interaction. 
                 (pause)
Your voice-mails are perfunctory and polite. 
No requests, no longing, no desire, no humour 
no curiosity...

                  ME
And you blame me?

                  FRIEND
I'm not talking about blame...

                  ME
Yes, you are. You are blaming me for 
changing something, but it isn't me...

                  FRIEND
There.

                  ME
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

                  FRIEND
It means I've touched the tender spot...

                  ME
It's not a fucking 'tender spot', you asshole. 
It's just that I'm hardly the one who has set this 
fucking tone, am I?

                  FRIEND
I didn't say you were...

                  ME
She's the one who set it...

                  FRIEND
I didn't say she wasn't.

                  ME
Then why are you giving me such a hard time.

                  FRIEND
Maybe because the tone suits her better than 
it suits you...

                  ME
Fucking right.

                  FRIEND
And I'm surprised that you'd betray your own 
principles...

                  ME
Oh, fuck off...

                  FRIEND
And buckle like that.

                  ME
Buckle?

                  FRIEND
Yeah, 'buckle'.

                  ME
I haven't buckled.

                  FRIEND
What have you done, then?
 
                  ME
Hmmm. Let's see...Woken up? Stopped being 
stupid? Grown a spine? Pick one.

                  FRIEND
How is 'ignoring' Beauty any of those things?

                  ME
Look, first, let's get something straight. I'm 
not ignoring her...

                  FRIEND
Play semantics, then.

                  ME
She left me the fucking message: "Um, my Dad 
says he wants a copy of the CD..."

                  FRIEND
So?

                  ME
So, not, "Hi, how are you?" Or "Let's do something 
tonight...And, oh, by the way, my Dad wants a copy 
of the CD"...or even, "Can you pick up a copy of the 
CD, and I'll buy you dinner in exchange?"...

                  FRIEND
You don't think you might be reading a bit too 
much into this message?

                  ME
No, actually, I don't. I don't at all.
                 (pause)
The message before was exactly the same. "I went 
out with my friend, and then I felt so cozy in my 
bed..."
                 (pause)
What a bunch of crap. You know what that means?

                  FRIEND
No, what?

                  ME
It means, "I couldn't be bothered finishing a 
fucking MSN chat with you, I didn't care enough 
to make a 30 second call, and in the morning, 
I couldn't bring myself to lift my fucking head 
off the pillow to be bothered to even call you."

                  FRIEND
What are you talking about?
 
                  ME
Okay, you win. You want to know, I'll tell you.

                  FRIEND
Want to know what?

                  ME
All that shit before. Don't play games with me. 
You wanna know? Okay fine. I hate the way she 
treats me. That's it. I really hate it.

                  FRIEND
How does she treat you?

                  ME
You know, this is why I don't even start.

                  FRIEND
What do you mean?

                  ME
Cause it's just a bunch of fucking whining...

                  FRIEND
It is whining...

                  ME
Yes, it is...

                  FRIEND
But at least it's honest.
                (pause)
More honest than that stupid 'diffidence' thing 
you've been pulling for the last couple of days.

                  ME
So, what am I supposed to say?

                  FRIEND
I don't know?
                 (pause)
The truth?

                  ME
                 (laughs)
Yeah, cause that's served me so propitiously 
in the past...

                  FRIEND
It may not have 'served you propitiously', but 
you don't play the other game very well either.

                  ME
No, I don't.
       
                  FRIEND
And so, you're caught.
                 (pause)
And you don't know what to do.

                  ME
No.
                 (pause)
I don't.

                  FRIEND
You could always be honest with her.

                  ME
No, it's too complicated.
                (pause)
And I have no right.

                 FRIEND
No right?

                 ME
No right to impose my morality on her. 
My illusions. My myth, you know?

                 FRIEND
But you do have the right to tell her how you feel.

                 ME
Yeah, and that will do exactly one of two things...
maybe both.

                 FRIEND
And those are?

                 ME
Piss her off...drive her away...

                FRIEND
If you hate the way she treats you, would that be 
so bad?

                ME
The other's worse.

                FRIEND
And what's that?
 
                ME
Hurt her. Depress her. Wound her.

                FRIEND
Maybe that's what you really want - to hurt her back...

                ME
No, it's not.

                FRIEND
Then why not tell her?

                ME
Cause...
              (pause)

                FRIEND
Cause?

                ME
Cause I don't think it would make any difference.

                FRIEND
You don't think she'd agree, or you don't think she'd care?

                ME
Either...both...it doesn't matter.

                FRIEND
Why not?

                ME
Cause even if she did agree, even if she understood?... 
I don't think she could do a thing about it.

                FRIEND
               (pause)
Cause you think that's just who she is?

                ME
Yes.

                FRIEND
And that calls into question your feelings for her.

                ME
              (pause)
Yes.

               FRIEND
              (pause)
Can we go back a bit?

               ME
I suppose. But we're in it now, aren't we?

               FRIEND
Yes. We're in it now.